I Am a Mother!

Nowadays, I and my solitude are always invaded by the mother in me. Mother of a 6 year old daughter, who keeps me on my toes .Yes, the one whom I mentioned in my earlier blog has grown up to be a pretty little butterfly who flies around me and my home spreading a lot of warmth and happiness. This rosy picture may sound like a picture perfect but when I look at the other side of the story my smile evades and my solitude is filled with the worries and anxieties of a 21st century mother. And the first question I ask myself is –“How do I protect my butterfly from the jolts of the modern world?”

When I think of myself in my childhood days, the first thing that comes to my mind is myself amidst a lot of people; Uncles, aunts, cousins, a brother, grandparents and many others who groomed me and made me what I am today in one way or the other. Knowingly or unknowingly, they have influenced me and made it much easier for my parents. But today, the responsibilities of my kid remain with me and my husband who work in a metropolitan city far from our home town. She sees us and only us for most of the time and this worries me.

After a hectic day at work, all I do is to pick her up from the day care and reach home, just in time to prepare dinner and make her do her homework. Our conversations are restricted to homework and dinner related things. Week days pass by like this and weekends in a much more hustled manner, fulfilling the needs of my house and the social circle around us. Between all this I try to pull some time to play with her or read for her or tell her stories from childhood, but the time is never enough for both of us. My daughter is growing up in-between and sometimes I realize it and sometimes I don’t.

She sometimes surprises me with questions I never dared to ask my mother. But unlike my mother who would have shied away from answering those with a mock anger, I try to answer her questions as reasonably as her age demands. But still my mind worries-Did I answer her properly?

My mom and others in my family always had the right to punish me when I was wrong. But she hates it when I raise my voice or even raise my hand in anger. Even though I don’t beat, my raising hand itself makes her feel so humiliated and traumatic. I tried to think about my reaction as a kid to my mom raising her hand-it was never a humiliated feeling which I see in her eyes. Is something wrong, I start wondering?

Our visits to hometown happens only once in 3-4 months. She loves to be with her grandparents who fulfills all her wishes and takes maximum time to be with her, which I realize I don’t. She is a very bubbly little girl who loves to explore new things like any other kid. I see her blooming and bubbling under the love and care of her grandparents. But alas, it’s for a short span and again we are back to the rut and rustle of the city.

Sometimes my solitude asks me-Is she growing up rightly? Am I giving her the value system my family gave me? Am I preparing her to deal with an uncertain and shady world? Am I able to tell her the power of discrimination? If my words don’t, are my deeds telling her?

As I sit in my solitude with all such thoughts running on my mind, like high tide and low tide falling on the sea-shore, I remembered the words of my mentor, a mother herself – “Raising a kid is like flying a kite. Sometimes, you have to let it go and sometimes you have to hold the strings tight and move it to the right direction. If you allow it to go loose with no control, it might get trapped in a tree. And getting it out of the tree would hurt both the kite and the kite flier. And if you always hold it tight, you will never let it fly high in the vast blue sky. Do it with love and passion and things will fall in place.”

The thought gives me some respite, but worry never ceases me. Afterall, I am a mother!

Between You and Me

Its 7 months.That means you are 7 months old inside my tummy now.Big enough to kick me now and then, as if turning my attention toyou.Acknowledging your demand I then gently rub my hand on my stomach and you will then go back to your sound sleep as if happy andcontent.I can feel a bond quietly growing between us day by day and myeagerness to see your tiny little face increasing.I think of you, Ithink of hundred names to call you but no name satisfies me as much as to call my little princess by that name. Because you are special to me.

How would you look? I often think about that.My room is full of baby pics wherein I try to search your face. Finding no answer, I concludewith the thought that you will be my reflection.Even then the mystery remains and my mind asks me - Will you have long thick hair like me?Dark, large eyes, a sweet smile? Will you be a bubbly, lively childroaming around like a butterfly? I don't know.But you are mine and only that counts.

Is it the magic of motherhood overwhelming me? Whenever I happen tosee a pretty frock, an attractive toy or a beautiful pair of shoes, a voice inside me tells automatically-I will buy all this and more for my little princess.You will be a real princess in our lives and I amsure your father will also leave no stone unturned to grow you up like that.He tells me you will be a techie like him.He wants to teach you computers even before you are one year old.But I imagine dressing youup for your first dance performance in school.Whatever you choose to be, you will be the apple of our eyes. Our little Princess.From helping you take your first step, I have listed hundreds of things which I want to do for you and do with you..I want to be there with you always as a mother and as a friend.Wiping your tears at your difficult times, sharing your happiness at all your successes, guidingyou at turning points in life and simply be there when you are readyto take independent steps into this big world, to reassure you when you turn back.

I always wonder why should it take almost one year for you to call me"Mama".Because I am eager to hear that. 3 months more and am waitingfor you to step into this world. I am waiting for that moment when youwill be placed in my arms.I am waiting to hold you close to my heart,then look into your beautiful face and kiss you gently on yourforehead.I am waiting to see that angelic smile spread on your face.Iam sure, all my pains, all my aches and all the hardships will vanishing that ecstatic moment.Because I have got something very beautifuland precious in return.