To my dear second kid..

Dear second kid,

I know you don't exist. But you have always existed as a thought in my head and in the advices everyone else gave me. For your elder sister, you existed half-heartedly, always unsure if she wants to have a sibling or not. I don't know if you ever were even a thought in your father's head. He never brought up the topic unless I mentioned.

Today, let me tell you why you never came to life. 

I came to know I was pregnant with your elder sister when I was going through a tough phase in my life. We hadn't settled into the marriage at all and I wasn't doing much  in my career. It was almost non-existent. Times of broken dreams and shattered hopes...

When your sister came to our life, she gave it a new meaning, stabilised our marriage and I suddenly found a purpose in life. My life changed and it wasn't just that I was growing her up. I was growing up more. I wanted her to be proud of me. More than what I would tell her, I realised that she would learn by just looking and observing. Things automatically started taking shape as everything I did revolved around how I wanted her to be. She taught me more than I would ever teach her.

My dreams and hopes were back and I was slowly spreading my wings. Your father and I were becoming best friends slowly. And I realized that I want to live life to the fullest for me with these two precious ones. I felt complete with just three of us. I wanted to give my time to us- to your sister and father and most importantly myself. Until then, I was just living someone else's dream. It was time to focus on my dreams, aspirations, adventures, joy and fun.

In between someone will pop a question about a second kid and your thought will cross my mind. People reasoned with me that your sister need a sibling. That thought dreaded me more as I have never seen a genuine sibling relationship.

Adulthood strains siblinghood and that scar will never heal. I didn't want you and your sister to go through that. Let you both live in each other's memory as a beautiful thought.

I  tried once or twice to bring you to life. But both attempts failed miserably. May be it was never meant to be or may be because we three were half-hearted.

Now, if ever you will come to our life, you will not come through me. I will choose you, my butterfly from  that special garden which God has sent you to. I may not have seen your birth or breast fed you or may have missed a few years of your early life. But it wouldn't matter. You will be mine.. No, ours, and that's all it counts. I don't know if this would happen. But let me tell you, if life gives me such a chance, I wouldn't hesitate to open my arms and welcome you...